but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My Sexting was not on an AP level
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
