How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
