Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
