Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
