it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
