I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
