So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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