Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
