well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
