i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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