I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
