I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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