planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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