also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
