The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
