I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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