Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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