They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
