I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
