quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
