Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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