I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
