Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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