he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
