I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
