It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
