eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
