I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
