How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
