I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
