Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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