mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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