I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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