you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
‎"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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