I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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