Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
