Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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