im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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