my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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