Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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