I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
