batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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