Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
