is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
