I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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