I hate your face
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
