I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
