so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
