I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How does one acquire holy water?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
