i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We had to coat check the pizza.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
