Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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