I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
