dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
