Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
