no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
