if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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