Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
