It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
