I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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