david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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